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Hot and cold …

Photo by Martin Robles on Unsplash

Frigid  – a dictionary definition …

a) abnormally averse to sexual intercourse — used especially of women
b) of a female : unable to achieve orgasm during sexual intercourse

synonyms: sexually unresponsive, unresponsive, undemonstrative, unaffectionate, cold, cold-blooded, cold-hearted, passionless, unfeeling, unemotional, unloving, uncaring

I’m not a fan of this word when it’s used in this context … when it’s intent is to be derogatory and demeaning. As someone who has suffered with a disappearing or greatly diminished libido off and on throughout many of our years together; when I think this could have been used as a description for my condition, I know I would have been appalled. I know for sure it’s not a word Frank would have ever used to describe our struggles with my oft-experienced lack of sexual desire … but that also speaks to our relationship and the kind of person he is.

If it has to be defined in this context, I think I prefer this ‘Urban Dictionary’ definition …


…. An outdated, Victorian term used to describe women who aren’t interested in sex.

… and as such, the use of the word frigid in any sexual context should be banished to the word graveyard to be buried next to the words ‘female hysteria‘.

I don’t think I was ever ‘unwilling’ … unable maybe but never unwilling. When you love someone it is never your intention to push them away or refuse them your affections. One will still feel the need for a physical connection, a hug, a cuddle, a kiss – it’s just connections of a sexual nature can be off putting when there is a significant lack of desire. Whenever my libido skipped town I longed for it’s return. I missed the pulsing, pressing heat between my legs that I’d experience in horny times along with a longing for his hands and mouth on all my erogenous bits and pieces.  I hated that the loss of desire made me cringe and pull away when he tried to touch me in that way. Frank is a handsy guy when he’s horny (and his libido was and still is at the other end of the scale) and in the midst of those times when my lack of libido was at its worst and I would involuntarily push him away, I know it hurt him deeply … but I couldn’t help how I felt … I hated how I felt … but I found it nearly impossible to control my reactions.

I am grateful for the past 2.5 years, where for the most part, my libido has stuck around. The constant horniness I felt in 2017/18 (a story for another day) has waned but overall, my desire for Frank and sex has not. I fully attribute this change to our DD/D/s relationship, although any analysis of the whys and wherefores of that would certainly take this post way off point … so I’ll stick with grateful and leave it at that.

In a shoe on the other foot scenario, in 2017 we experienced a situation where roles were reversed. Frank takes blood pressure meds and those are notorious for impacting libido and erectile function. The initial prescribing of his meds included one that obliterated his libido. The situation snuck up on us at a time when I was in the midst of a sexual fugue of horniness. It wasn’t a pretty situation and it gave us both a whole new take on what it means when one person experiences desire and the other doesn’t. Luckily we recognized it for what it was and other than an uncomfortable visit to the doc for him (we have a female doc :>)), it was easily rectified.

… and because I love that Mrs F is hosting a September Song Project … and because music has always been an inspiration for me in many ways, I’ll end with this …

Hot Gets a Little Cold
Cyndi Lauper

You say it could be heaven…
But I don’t really know…
Lovers come and go…
When hot gets a little cold.

Infatuation is just the great anticipation
Of starring in that picture show
Let’s wait until the credits roll…
When hot gets a little cold.

I could get carried away but not anymore…
What was it I heard you say you love me ’cause I’m strong
I hope that you’re not wrong.

Heaven, you say it could be heaven,
Well I don’t really know…
I’ll try not to let it show
When hot gets a little cold…
When hot gets a little cold…
When hot gets a little cold…



… to see what others have to say about ‘Frigid’ … follow the Linky Badge below …




  • Marie Rebelle

    I don’t think I would ever want to be called frigid either. I have times where my libido is lower, but it always has a reason and the reason definitely isn’t because I am frigid. Nice post :)Rebel xox

    • Nora

      Hi Rebel … there are so many causes for libido drop or absence – in women and men. I do hope frigid in this context is a term that can be put to bed … nj … xx

  • Old Mike

    Thoughtful piece – you’re right about the word – it got used when I was young (a long time ago) to describe any woman who didn’t want to sleep with a guy – kinda hope I never did but fear that is just selective memoryMike

  • missy

    You make some really good points here and and I totally agree about the derogatory nature of the word. Libido does come and go but I think as long as the love and tenderness is there, intimacy can remain 😊

  • Mrs Fever

    We’ve had the “shoe on the other foot” experience too, and when it comes to understanding how a low-libido feels on both sides, it’s been eye-opening. As hard as that mismatch can be, I think it’s definitely made us empathize better with one another.

    • Nora

      Yes, empathy and a point of reference for future scenarios, were the positives that came out of our experience as well. I am also thankful of the timing. If F’s libido loss had happened at a point where my libido had been low or non existent, I think our sex life might have just dried up and disappeared. There wouldn’t have been any impetus on my part to push him to find a solution … slippery slope, et al … nj … xx

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