Memes,  Our D/s Life,  Tell Me About D&S

Questions and Answers …

Something that used to drive me a little crazy in our previous bedroom only BDSM relationship, were questions from Frank in the midst of D/s play. In my then ‘passively submissive’ state of mind, I believed it was all up to my Dominant ‘to do whatever he wanted to to me’ (within the constructs of our discussions and agreements of course, which I considered to be ‘the consent’). Frank asking … ‘do you want?’ … ‘do you like?’ … or ‘how do you feel about’ type questions would cause a response in my head that went … ‘just be dominant already and do me – stop asking questions’ …

Thankfully I’ve grown since then … through reading, researching and a subsequent realization that I need to be in the game at all times as an ‘active submissive’ – that I too carry a responsibility as to how our relationship and our intimate times, be they kinky or vanilla, play out.

I can’t remember the exact point in 2018 when I came to that ‘ah ha’ moment. I do know both the change in my headspace as to how I approach my submission and my reconsideration of Frank and his questions, came about after I read a book called The Heart of Dominance – A Guide to Practicing Consensual Dominance, by Anton Fulmen, a kink and sexuality educator in the US. Although written with the Dominant in mind it was enlightening for me as a submissive as well. Covering an entire gamut of consent considerations, it lead me to consider perhaps Frank, in asking such questions, could be considered as subtly asking for consent … a checking in on his part to make sure whatever we were doing was working for me … and working for us. When I turned my thinking around, the irritation of him asking such questions disappeared.

Even though we are a couple who have been together for a gazillion years, that doesn’t negate the need for questions and answers  – or consent. Consent can come into play in many ways, from big to small. For us, unless we are considering something new and untried (hence a big deal – and we don’t have much left on our ‘big deal’ list), consent for us now is usually more about care, consideration and communication, all still key for us in our relationship.

… to see what others have to say about ‘Consent’, visit the Safeword Club’s Tell Me About Dominance and Submission Project by following the link or the badge below …



Featured photo by Emily Morter on Unsplash


  • missy

    I really liked the way that you exp,signed the shift in thinking for you and that made a lot of sense. I agree with what you say about consent within D/s and it works for us in a very similar way 😊

  • Nora

    Thanks, Missy … I think when you’re in a LTR D/s relationship, consent often slips into the background. Thanks for the prompt. It was good to have a closer look at where we are with it these days 🙂 … nj … xx

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