I spoke too soon in my recent post for the prompt ‘Frigid’ … I should have known better than to mention out loud I was grateful my libido was still hanging around …
Last year, on my previous DD blog, I wrote a humourous piece personifying our mismatched libidos as an Italian couple, Luigi and Lola Libido (apologies extended in advance to anyone with Italian heritage :>)). Luigi is always sexy and ready to go and Lola is the haughty, spoiled princess, who only deigns to show up when life is exciting enough to entice her to do so and if it’s not, she takes frequent vacations to exotic locations. Of course I don’t use this characterization of my libido in real life but it helps to make light of a situation we’ve battled with and over since our first year of marriage. My libido is not something I have any type of control over. It disappears or wanes at will, as if it has a mind of its own. I long for it to be there … I know how I should feel and mightily wish I could think it back or do something easy like take a pill (and btw … those pills for men … work for ED but not libido … just saying … ’cause we know that hard fact as well). The hardest part is when my libido is gone it makes me feel like I am dead in the desire department.
So how it started … on Saturday morning I got a sexy whisper in my ear from Frank, telling me he wanted ‘to play tonight’ and would be expecting me to be ready by 8 PM that evening. His instructions included have a bath, have a read and wear a favourite lingerie set including seamed stockings … “and make sure your seams are straight or there will be bath brush consequences” … I was quite excited about it all because we had not had a full on kinky play scene since June, when we went away for our anniversary.
However, it was not to be … it was also our grandson’s birthday and we’d bought him something that came in a box with those dreaded words ‘assembly required’ … and it was a two person job. Frank likes to dive in and get it done … I’m the read and follow the instructions type. Bad labelling of parts and a poorly produced assembly manual had us at odds within the first 30 mins where upon it was decided we’d best find and consult a You Tube video … it didn’t get too much better thereon as we realized we’d made a major error in the first step and compounded said error in the third. The snipping and snapping on my part just made Frank go quieter and quieter … never a good sign. We finally got it together and delivered the gift but by the time we headed home from the cake and ice cream portion of the evening, the silence in the car was deafening. Not long after we arrived home I got a hug and the words I was half expecting to hear … that the evening would not be going ahead as planned … that we should just put it behind us and have a quiet evening reading and watching tv … gulp!
To his credit, Frank resurrected the play plan the next day. I was still excited but not the same way I’d been the day before. The evening went ahead … I think he had just about every toy in our repertoire out and on display when I got to the bedroom (with seams straight :>)). I almost took a pic of the whole scene thinking the title ‘Cornucopia’ might be perfect for a blog post :>). However, I’m very shy about personal blog photos so did not follow through. He did show me a very good time ending with a spectacular finish but, although I didn’t mention it to him at the time, I also felt a niggle in the back of my mind that something in my headspace was missing.
Cue Monday evening … now I was flinching from Frank’s touch (my libido loss manifests itself physically and mentally) – which told us both what was missing … effing Lola Libido had started packing her bags sometime between Sat and Sunday evenings and caught the first plane south Monday morning.
On Tuesday, Frank and I had a sit down discussion, where I suggested I suggested we dial back on the sex and kink for a bit and instead focus on the mental aspects of our dynamic … as in emphasizing our DD foundation side, which for us is more about rules and less sexual, and continue to follow our D/s rituals.
So Frank agreed to my suggestion and now I figure we’ve got it all fixed, right? (I am a fixer by nature) but we’re now several days into this ‘fix’ and yeah no, it’s not going all that well.
It’s been awhile since we’ve been in this situation so I forgot about a couple of ‘little’ details …. such as how Frank’s sexuality is very much part of his personality, and how, due to childhood sexual trauma (we think – it’s newly come to light only recently), physical touch in his mind is potentially sexual in nature. Other than me, he hardly ever hugs or touches any other adult (rarely even his children) … to him it doesn’t feel appropriate. All of which means, when I tell him I’m not interested in sex, he will subconsciously pull back on his physical contact with me in order to respect those boundaries.
So here we are … he is quiet and withdrawn (he’ll deny it but to me it’s quite noticeable). We’re following rituals and I’m following rules. I’m getting the odd hug and kiss but … uggghhh! …. it feels like our DD/D/s home is now just a house. The walls and roof are still standing firm but it’s kinda empty and chilly inside.
I’m not wallowing in despair … it’s not like we haven’t been here before. What’s different this time around, is the deeper communication we now have has lead to a greater understanding of what’s going on with both of us. The situation will break somehow, somewhere and we’ll be back in sync again.