Memes,  Our D/s Life,  Wicked Wednesday

Chasing Shiny Objects …

Sometimes I exhaust myself and I am sure I’ve exhausted Frank many times … I’ve pulled him here and there repeatedly in our many years together. He has never complained and has always willingly obliged my whims to try this or that, to take on a new career path, or bring some new philosophy into our lives. In our intimate life that manifested itself into our initial foray into kink many years ago, carrying on through to our adventure in early 2018 in adopting a 7×24 DD (Domestic Discipline) lifestyle and yet another change just a year and a bit later, where we re-incorporated our D/s and kink back into our dynamic.

I’ve consulted Dr Google of course, and confirmed my suspicion this drive for the new and exciting, is part and parcel of human nature … and that is the human need to ‘seek’ … One of the articles I’ve read references the work of neuroscientist and author, Jans Paaskep …

Neuroscientist Jaak Panskepp argues that of seven core instincts in the human brain (anger, fear, panic-grief, maternal care, pleasure/lust, play, and seeking), seeking is the most important. All mammals have this seeking system, says Panskepp, wherein dopamine, a neurotransmitter linked to reward and pleasure, is also involved in coordinating planning activities. This means animals are rewarded for exploring their surroundings and seeking new information for survival.

Continuing with my online search in the same vein, I came across a sports article from Australia, where a cricket coach talked about the challenges coaches face when athletes get bored with doing what is required to get better at their sport and instead attempt to turn their focus to ‘chasing the next shiny object’. I have encountered similar experiences in my own life in the art field in which I practice. It is a field where there is a staggering array of directions one can go it. I have had to remind myself over and over again during the past decade, to focus on just one or two areas in order to build up my skill and proficiency and to not be distracted by another path.

Looking back, my observation is I head out on a ‘seeking’ mission every couple of years … sometimes less, if something new crosses my path. Initially and for many years, most of my seeking was career oriented. Occasionally there has been a cross over, where a catalyst in my career path has positively impacted my/our personal lives. My other area of seeking has been self improvement or relationship improvement. As I said in my opening, our past nearly 2 years have been a prime example of where I’ve sought new relationship ideals.

What happens when I don’t seek, is I get bored … dissatisfied … lose interest … become restless and where our sex life is concerned, the resulting ennui often translates into a loss of libido. I realize we’re coming up on two years since my last ‘seeking’ mission … and my libido is more often absent than present these days. However, what I’ve also come to realize in the past few months is, there really isn’t anywhere new I want to go with our relationship. Frank is immensely happy with where we’ve landed with our D/s … and so am I. However, I will admit the sexual luster has dulled. What was hugely exciting and erotic when first encountered, has become somewhat mundane and everyday-ish. So where to go from here …

I have reminded myself several times lately, as the Australian cricket coach said, and my own philosophy in pursuing my art interests demonstrates … when it comes to our relationship, I need to stop chasing the next shiny object. I need to work with Frank in deepening what we have. I am not talking about our sex life … I think we’ve pretty much hit every kink button we have or are interested in – and we revisit them as our needs or wants dictate. However, we’ve also noticed our episodes of kinkiness have somewhat lessened, in part due to the aging process. And given that aging is only going to get more impacting than less, I’m not sure we can again find the same levels of sexual excitement we’ve had in the past. Perhaps instead, a better approach would be to turn our focus to our relatively new roles of 7×24 Dom and sub, figure out what we need to do to deepen and ingrain the practices that support our relationship; determine how we can continue to weave those practices into the everyday fabric of our lives … until they become not what we do but who we are.

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Photo by Ashton Mullins on Unsplash


  • missy

    This was really interesting and what you have said about seeking makes a lot of sense. I also find myself that I move forward in terms of growth and then seem to reach a plateau, certainly in my submission. It can be good for a while to enjoy what I have and then I find myself looking to grow somehow again. This isn’t necessarily just about the physical side but can also be to do with giving up control etc. I think of it as going deeper x

  • Ella

    I do think that this seeking you speak of is really part of our human experience. I certainly wouldn’t want to be the same exact person I was when I was 20 or 30 or all those other younger versions of me. The change is inevitable and something to treasure. If I live long enough I won’t be the same woman 10 years down the road. That would be so boring. As far as sex is concerned, it’s fun to try something new even now. Playing a new game, planning a surprise, being as spontaneous as age allows!Reinventing Ella

  • Brigit Delaney

    I love when a post gives me the kind of food for thought that makes me want to pursue my own research, or write, or “seek.” This one has definitely done that. And I absolutely love that last line. It has been nearly 2 years since my Husband and I brought back our D/S (successfully this time), but it is beginning to lose its initial luster. I too feel the need to seek new ways to invigorate our relationship, but more as a “this is our identity as a couple” rather than “what new kink can we try.” Great post!

  • Molly

    I think seeking is a good thing. I want to explore and grow and learn. Yes there is definitely balance because otherwise you risk just bouncing from one thing to the next which is clearly not healthy either so as with all things, balance is the keyMolly

    • Nora

      I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop seeking, Molly … I do try to keep it slow and steady :>) … thanks for dropping … nj … xx

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